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A moment in my belly

Some memories are saved in your brain like a movie, and every time you think of them it starts playing in HD mode with 1080 pixels. Every time I open my group Babies and Bumps once such memory starts playing in my brain too.

I clearly remember the day my exams ended, I looked at my beautiful home for the last time. I still dont know if i will ever be able to go back and see the place with my own eyes. It was the most cosy, warm and beautiful home one could have. We lived in a small one bed apartment in the quietest country side of UK for almost 10 months. The air was always fresh and crisp, the sunny days were what we looked forward too and our walks to the Halal KFC.

Stow hill, Newport that is where we stayed i still remember it after 3 years. I will always remember this house because this is where we made our first child. I remember Mohsin closing the door and locking it for the last time, i remember closing the lights and looking at our bed for the last time before we walked towards the coach station where our Mega Bus waited to take us to London. We always took these late night coaches to London because they were cheaper and you slept your way in those not so comfortable seats.

London will always be my favourite city, the underground, the double decker buses, London Bridge and so many more amazing places all in one city. My favourite was the Thames clipper rides, i had 5 days to go through my favourite city for the 20th and the last time that year. I left no leaf unturned, went around every corner, every mall, every street. For five days i would leave at 7 am and re enter at 11 pm.

My feet would kill me at 11 pm, i never felt them burn the way they would in those 5 days. I would turn the hot shower on and stay there for ages until my feet felt better. I remember sleeping and waking up in the middle on the night, the moment my feet landed on the ground i was in excruciating pain and i fell face flat because i could not stand the pain. The next morning i was out again.

The day finally came, i boarded my 7 hour direct flight to Pakistan and landed in Karachi, my parents were proud i was the first person in my family with a foreign graduate degree. Being a girl in our society it was a big achievement, i was flying high. We were welcomed back warmly by everyone and the non stop dawats started. My mom noticed that my feet had swelling on them and that i was sleeping alot, we brushed it aside linking it to the air travel and the 5 tiring days i spent in London.

We went to Hyderabad to attend one such dinners and came back the same night. I slept and woke up with an awful stomach pain, i had a severe diarrhoea i lost sensation in my legs and was dizzy due to dehydration. Mohsin and I went to the hospital and they did some tests and put me up on IV. The doctor asked me my last period month and the show off i am, i opened an app on my phone and told him “27th March” he made a face and then asked me if i was pregnant, i told him no i just have an irregular cycle. It was early June!

I always had irregular periods, never got tested for it or took it seriously since i was anaemic since my childhood and linked it to that. He asked me if he could do a Beta HCG test to confirm it, i agreed. He came back and said that the result is positive.

Mohsin: what did he say?
me: he said it was positive
Mohsin: What does that mean?
me: that means i am pregnant

He was happy, he probably called all his friends and told them about this with in the next 5 minutes including his parents, everyone was over joyed. My mom came to see me at the hospital when i broke the news to her she was shocked, she couldn’t say anything. She had a mixed reaction, it was funny.

I came back to my home from the hospital, my FIL who smokes around the house went to another room to smoke. He came back and told me if i was uncomfortable there i could stay at my moms until we had the baby. It was the sweetest thing he could have said. The next day was Saturday and Saturdays are boys night for Mohsin so i went to my moms. Came back on Sunday, slept thinking i will ask Mohsin to take me baby shopping tomorrow and i was angry at myself for now knowing anything or i could have shopped from UK and gotten so many amazing things.

Monday morning i woke up with cramps, told my MIL and she asked me to go see a doctor and until then lie down with my legs elevated. I had an appointment to see one of the best gynaes in town in the next 3 hours. The cramps kept getting worse, i went to the washroom and i was bleeding. I started shivering, i did not know what it meant or what was happening.

I woke Mohsin up and we went to our nearest hospital (South City), I went to the ER counter and my voice was breaking down when i said “I am pregnant and i am bleeding” I was 22 back then, recently married, recently graduated and never knew what losing something meant. They wanted an ultrasound immediately, i walked to the ultrasound room in my ugly hospital gown. As i entered the ultrasound room everyone sitting outside turned and stared at me.

It started, the technicians spoke in there language. it was a TVS it was hurting, i was already cramping and shivering with fear. She placed her hand over mine and told me it will be okay and they she uttered the dreading words, I cant see a sack i think its an ectopic pregnancy. I got up a few minutes later and was told to go back to the ER, this time i was holding back my tears, still shivering and clueless of what was going to happen next.

The past two days ran in my brain, all the happy faces and Mohsins excitement, my shopping plans and my own shock of finding out that we were having a baby. I reached my allotted bed in the ER and Mohsin was sitting on the bed, He asked me what happened i told him and started crying. I was shivering and i told him i wanted to go home.

The doctors came in, told me that they will take me for an emergency procedure i was still crying and telling them i want to go home. I was like a 5 year old baby who had no idea what was happening and all i could do was cry. I was taken to the OT, before going in Mohsin told me it will be okay. When i came out i was still dizzy i asked where Mohsin was, he was there he held my hand and then i remember waking up in the hospital room.

When i woke up, i was calm composed, i did not feel like crying i was all okay. I met people, i entertained them like nothing happened until a few days later when it all came back. I dont know if it was a boy or a girl since it was less than 3 months. All i know was i had a child, maybe a beating heart, and today he or she would have been 3 and half years.

We are still waiting our Rainbow baby.

No one can connect to the baby like i can, even if for those 2 days when i knew i had a life inside me i was a Mom. Sometimes i blame myself for everything but then i gather myself up and think that if He(Allah) wanted He would not have taken it away. If He wants he will bless me with another one.

Once during an online war, a lady called me Childless and said i have all the time in this world to spend on pampering myself and running the groups. I was angry and upset, i cried for days and then i forgave her. I would give up my pampering to change those pamper any day. She will not understand my pain because she has never been through it and i wish she never goes through it. Being childless is not a choice, its not in your hands and no money in the world can buy this choice.

Me: Mohsin i read a quote and it said if you had a baby who was never born he or she will take the mother in heaven
Mohsin: Acha tou? (so?)
Me: Tou mera intezam hogaya hai ap apna dekh lye ga. (I am going to heaven you should do something for yourself)

Image source: Static Brain

97 thoughts on “A moment in my belly”

  1. Dear Saba dont be disheart I faced the same but I was strongly Faith on ALLAH and He surely blessed me three kids Alhamdulillah Insha’Allah your day will be come soon when you will be bless this naimat and rehmat both .Ameen

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  2. Omggg, I read every part of it and totally loved it to bits.
    I know this is alot for you.
    But if you’ll listen my mom’s story which is really heart touching Allah will give great sabar. INSHALLAH ❤️
    Much love

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  3. Literally em crying.
    I dun have kids and I haven’t concieved yet
    It’s been 5years of ma married life but I always hope for the baby every single time before I get periods and that hope breaks into pieces when periods started sometimes I feel like is gaming it’s a game
    Hope begins Every month and ends up with periods
    I dun have irregular cycle
    Even sometimes ma husband taunt me ur one thing is always on time ie ur periods .I never ever have missed or irregular periods and each month it hurts me like hell
    I know Allah knows better than me
    And inshAllah u will have ur kid Ameen

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    1. This literally makes me cry. Haven’t faced any such thing Alhamdulillah but still somehow I can relate it. May Allah makes your eyes cool and bless you with allll the happiness and joys a baby could bring InshaAllah

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  4. Saba….i am not married not old enough to comment but as a human i felt so connected that i cant tell you..your each word made me cry like anything…I dont have words to console you..But i from now would surely take your name whenever i raise my hands for dua…You’ll iA be blessed with a lil mohsin bhai or a lil saba soon❤️…
    I have always been admired you…you had such beautiful love story..the moment i read your story thats the moment i gathered myself,gathered my broken and scattered pieces of faith,felt a little empowered..you kinda gave me strength to believe in myself….

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    1. Ur words really made me cry every time when I read this story… lots n lots of love to u n ur family…. may Allah bless u always… Allah will never leave u alone…..

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  5. Saba i am not even married but i can connect myself to it through your words,May ALLAH bless you with child insha ALLAH ameen…
    May ALLAH swt bless you with this nai’maat.
    Insha ALLAH,ameen.
    And remember one thing you are a mom because you raised a child in your belly even if it was less than 3 months and you are not child less and insha ALLAH your child will be the door of heaven for you.
    Takecare sweetheart
    Lots of love and duaa’s

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  6. The best part is you have booked a place for yourself in paradise 🙂

    May Allah bless you with loads of happiness and success !

    Hugs xxx

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  7. ALLAH will bless u soon in shaa Allah….n he will give u moree in shaa Allah…he has taken one but he ll bless u with many In shaa Allah… such a lovely n strong lady u are …love u for that 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

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  8. Boyyy!!! Didnt know this…
    U r indeed an iron lady…
    I myself have recently found out that m expecting…
    Same problem… pco…
    3years of self doubt, trying everything and then suddenly outa nowhere this happens…
    Praying for u… always…

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  9. My God! Sana until now how much I knew you through LCD and diaries you were my favourite as in hyper active such social elegant and cute looks. But today after reading your story I wish I could hug you ATM. Inshallah you will be blessed one. I have so many examples in my cousins I wish I could explain you all those and you will inshallah have one soon. My prayers with you. My second baby left us due to miscarriage but alhumdollillah I’m mother of four I had first baby when I was 22 :). All toddlers I have. My youngest is two years. So just pray and wait for the right time. Love be you loads!!!

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  10. Saba mohsin ,
    Really I express my feeling in Urdu ,ap k group ki new member hu aur Sach pochy tu ap ki personality sai bht mutasir bhi ,if u don’t mind ap mjy bht Gussy wali aur strict lgti thi but I read ur whole feeling,pain and each part of ur life mjy bht ajeeb mhsos hu raha Hy,Mai ap ko personally jannti nai but as waqt mre ankho m ap k lie aanso Hy,aysa BHT Kam huta Hy ku k Mai same ap ki takleef ko mhsos kr cuki hu,mri 2month baby miscarriage hu cuka Hy,MRI shadi ko just one and half month hue thy,aur phir ak lambi intezar k bad I become Mama .so ALLAH ap s BHT nazdeeq Hy wo ap ko BHT Bari azmayesh s guzara Hy ab aagy ap k lie sirf kushi aur muskurahat Hy
    Surae mariyam aur suraye zumma parha kary daily na sahi every Friday,phir dekhye ga.ak bar ap mjy zaroor yad karngi
    Love u mam
    Ur so brave

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  11. Aww Saba Mohsin that was a beautiful and genuine little bit of your heart 💓 wish you all of Allah’s beautiful blessings and yes one day when you do become a mom. You’ll get a lot of chances to change pampers. Keep swimming 😊

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  12. When Allah takes something He surely Blesses with the Best Sooner or later 😊May Allah bless you with healthy and beautiful kids soon (Ameen) ❤ lots of Prayers for you Saba ❤

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  13. ALLAH IS VERY GREAT .
    HE IS DEFINITELY PLANING VERY GOOD, BEST AND SPECIAL FOR U IN SHA Allah.
    OUR GOOD WISHES & SPECIAL DUAS ALWAYS WITH U SWEETIE.
    STAY BLESSED

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  14. Hi Saba,
    I cried a little then controlled my tears.
    I have been through the situation twice and lost two babies. One at 8th month and one at 6th month.
    The feeling of coming back of thoughts is the worse one. And those feelings do come back and forth. It is really difficult to forget bcz one has been through the pain and agony which no one can feel.
    May ALLAH give you peace at heart and a child soon.
    ALLAH is the ONE who can Heal and give you whatever you want.
    Ameen

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  15. Praying for you
    Once upon a time, were surprised to find out we were expecting and then lost the baby (he/she wasn’t developing and there was no sac). I naturally lost the baby and was super depressed and it still hurts.
    Took me 1.5 yrs to conceive again and now iv realised that the whole time i was stressed and couldnt conceive.
    Once i was finally more relaxed and left it up to God.. i even looked up paperwork for adoption.. im so glad Allah blessed us with a healthy baby. I also have hypothyroidism and that also affected this i think. I might adopt our second baby because I know what it feels like to not have a mother.
    So never lose hope and keep praying. People are horrible btw..they jugde you (i didn’t go through tht thankfully) and all your heart needs is someone to love and cherish.

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  16. Though I m new to your groups, I get the feeling that you are a nice pure soul. I like your write ups. Keep writing. Keep motivating and keep smiling.

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  17. Dear saba ur words made me cry! I can understand ur pain somehow!! When i concieved i went for tests and doc told me tht ur beta hcg levels are low n theres no sac seen in the u/s and we have to go for dnc.. i cried and ask Allah to bless us with a baby! I startd reciting many ayahs n surahs, i asked Allah tht its not impossible for you! If the baby is not growing according to the beta hcg level, only U can give him/her life n can do mirracles! I didn lose hope,i went to other doctors too for some good news but 2 doctors told the same thing to go for dnc! But only my sonologist said tht wait may be its too early thts y sac was not visible.. wait for some few weeks.. i did! And guess what? After one month i went for checkup n doc told me tht baby’s heart beat was there n its 6thweek.. i cant tell u how we were feeling, i was crying n thanking Allah! He saved my baby! He blessed him with life! He was there inside me active n alive! But the worst time i gone through was horrible and im thankful to Allah n tht sonologist tht i didn go for dnc n feel bad how some doctors give quick decision of dnc without waiting!
    Dear saba may Allah bless u with a healthy baby soon ameen.. from now u r in my prayers! 🙂

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  18. hi Saba. literally i m crying right now while reading ur post. i ve been gone through with that as well for 15 days. i was like over the moon then all finished. i got that news after 5 years n i was like kia kardon.. Allah nay aap k liye yaqeenan bohat acha soch rakha hoga IA. And plz dont listen to those ladies who have no space in ur life.U know ur self very much . Kudos to u n love u .
    Regards,
    Misbah

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