Some memories are saved in your brain like a movie, and every time you think of them it starts playing in HD mode with 1080 pixels. Every time I open my group Babies and Bumps once such memory starts playing in my brain too.
I clearly remember the day my exams ended, I looked at my beautiful home for the last time. I still dont know if i will ever be able to go back and see the place with my own eyes. It was the most cosy, warm and beautiful home one could have. We lived in a small one bed apartment in the quietest country side of UK for almost 10 months. The air was always fresh and crisp, the sunny days were what we looked forward too and our walks to the Halal KFC.
Stow hill, Newport that is where we stayed i still remember it after 3 years. I will always remember this house because this is where we made our first child. I remember Mohsin closing the door and locking it for the last time, i remember closing the lights and looking at our bed for the last time before we walked towards the coach station where our Mega Bus waited to take us to London. We always took these late night coaches to London because they were cheaper and you slept your way in those not so comfortable seats.
London will always be my favourite city, the underground, the double decker buses, London Bridge and so many more amazing places all in one city. My favourite was the Thames clipper rides, i had 5 days to go through my favourite city for the 20th and the last time that year. I left no leaf unturned, went around every corner, every mall, every street. For five days i would leave at 7 am and re enter at 11 pm.
My feet would kill me at 11 pm, i never felt them burn the way they would in those 5 days. I would turn the hot shower on and stay there for ages until my feet felt better. I remember sleeping and waking up in the middle on the night, the moment my feet landed on the ground i was in excruciating pain and i fell face flat because i could not stand the pain. The next morning i was out again.
The day finally came, i boarded my 7 hour direct flight to Pakistan and landed in Karachi, my parents were proud i was the first person in my family with a foreign graduate degree. Being a girl in our society it was a big achievement, i was flying high. We were welcomed back warmly by everyone and the non stop dawats started. My mom noticed that my feet had swelling on them and that i was sleeping alot, we brushed it aside linking it to the air travel and the 5 tiring days i spent in London.
We went to Hyderabad to attend one such dinners and came back the same night. I slept and woke up with an awful stomach pain, i had a severe diarrhoea i lost sensation in my legs and was dizzy due to dehydration. Mohsin and I went to the hospital and they did some tests and put me up on IV. The doctor asked me my last period month and the show off i am, i opened an app on my phone and told him “27th March” he made a face and then asked me if i was pregnant, i told him no i just have an irregular cycle. It was early June!
I always had irregular periods, never got tested for it or took it seriously since i was anaemic since my childhood and linked it to that. He asked me if he could do a Beta HCG test to confirm it, i agreed. He came back and said that the result is positive.
Mohsin: what did he say?
me: he said it was positive
Mohsin: What does that mean?
me: that means i am pregnant
He was happy, he probably called all his friends and told them about this with in the next 5 minutes including his parents, everyone was over joyed. My mom came to see me at the hospital when i broke the news to her she was shocked, she couldn’t say anything. She had a mixed reaction, it was funny.
I came back to my home from the hospital, my FIL who smokes around the house went to another room to smoke. He came back and told me if i was uncomfortable there i could stay at my moms until we had the baby. It was the sweetest thing he could have said. The next day was Saturday and Saturdays are boys night for Mohsin so i went to my moms. Came back on Sunday, slept thinking i will ask Mohsin to take me baby shopping tomorrow and i was angry at myself for now knowing anything or i could have shopped from UK and gotten so many amazing things.
Monday morning i woke up with cramps, told my MIL and she asked me to go see a doctor and until then lie down with my legs elevated. I had an appointment to see one of the best gynaes in town in the next 3 hours. The cramps kept getting worse, i went to the washroom and i was bleeding. I started shivering, i did not know what it meant or what was happening.
I woke Mohsin up and we went to our nearest hospital (South City), I went to the ER counter and my voice was breaking down when i said “I am pregnant and i am bleeding” I was 22 back then, recently married, recently graduated and never knew what losing something meant. They wanted an ultrasound immediately, i walked to the ultrasound room in my ugly hospital gown. As i entered the ultrasound room everyone sitting outside turned and stared at me.
It started, the technicians spoke in there language. it was a TVS it was hurting, i was already cramping and shivering with fear. She placed her hand over mine and told me it will be okay and they she uttered the dreading words, I cant see a sack i think its an ectopic pregnancy. I got up a few minutes later and was told to go back to the ER, this time i was holding back my tears, still shivering and clueless of what was going to happen next.
The past two days ran in my brain, all the happy faces and Mohsins excitement, my shopping plans and my own shock of finding out that we were having a baby. I reached my allotted bed in the ER and Mohsin was sitting on the bed, He asked me what happened i told him and started crying. I was shivering and i told him i wanted to go home.
The doctors came in, told me that they will take me for an emergency procedure i was still crying and telling them i want to go home. I was like a 5 year old baby who had no idea what was happening and all i could do was cry. I was taken to the OT, before going in Mohsin told me it will be okay. When i came out i was still dizzy i asked where Mohsin was, he was there he held my hand and then i remember waking up in the hospital room.
When i woke up, i was calm composed, i did not feel like crying i was all okay. I met people, i entertained them like nothing happened until a few days later when it all came back. I dont know if it was a boy or a girl since it was less than 3 months. All i know was i had a child, maybe a beating heart, and today he or she would have been 3 and half years.
We are still waiting our Rainbow baby.
No one can connect to the baby like i can, even if for those 2 days when i knew i had a life inside me i was a Mom. Sometimes i blame myself for everything but then i gather myself up and think that if He(Allah) wanted He would not have taken it away. If He wants he will bless me with another one.
Once during an online war, a lady called me Childless and said i have all the time in this world to spend on pampering myself and running the groups. I was angry and upset, i cried for days and then i forgave her. I would give up my pampering to change those pamper any day. She will not understand my pain because she has never been through it and i wish she never goes through it. Being childless is not a choice, its not in your hands and no money in the world can buy this choice.
Me: Mohsin i read a quote and it said if you had a baby who was never born he or she will take the mother in heaven
Mohsin: Acha tou? (so?)
Me: Tou mera intezam hogaya hai ap apna dekh lye ga. (I am going to heaven you should do something for yourself)
Image source: Static Brain