I was lying on my mothers couch, I was dozing on and off and super exhausted with all the work that we were doing for our amazing Knorr KCH Chef fest. Ami asked me if everything was okay and somehow had this feeling that I am maybe pregnant. I laughed it off, since we had left everything all treatments and medicine. Even then to rule it out we went and bought 2 home pregnancy tests. I tried the test and kept the strip on the side thinking here’s another negative. And to my surprise woahhh! There were two lines. I could not believe my eyes and my hands were shivering. I thought about everything in that single moment, disbelief, happiness, all the pain and mental trauma.
Took a picture of the test and sent it to Mohsin, waited for a minute or so and he did not see it. I called him and asked him to check his whatsapp. He did and then asked me what does it mean? Such a Silly Billy! Told him 2 lines mean a positive pregnancy test. He asked me if that means that I am pregnant and I said yes. There was a moment of silence and congratulated me. Then he vanished for 3 hours because he was busy in some work.
I opened the gate called Ami, hugged her and started crying, she cried with me. In those few minutes I washed more than 3 years of guilt, disappointment and sorrow. I couldn’t stop shivering and crying for what seemed like ages. All my plans to see Mohsin’s reaction live went down the drain waysay. The next few weeks were super busy and full of excitement, people would laugh and cry with joy every time I told someone I am expecting (these were my closest friends). I bought so many cute things, I ordered so much online to the point I went broke. The excitement of finally having a baby of my own was killing me.
I went to my first scan and the doctor could not find a heart beat, and called me 3 weeks later. I cried as soon as I got in the car, and spent the next three weeks praying that BabyM comes to the world all healthy and happy. Three weeks later when I heard the heart beat, I could not believe my ears; I had a delayed conception due to PCO’s since I ovulated later in my cycle. Everything was fine, the doctor said good stuff about the baby and I was home, stuffing myself with food and resting. All I ever did was go see the doctors or my friend’s life was good, full of anticipation and excitement. Everyone around me was excited,
Few weeks later I went for my NT scan praying that it comes out fine and my baby has no problems, and I totally forgot to pray for his life. I know it doesn’t matter but it’s guilt, deep down inside, maybe I should have prayed more or maybe I could have done something to save him. The doctor could only see a baby who was 10 weeks old where as I was 12 weeks, and the heartbeat was gone.
I read all this when I sat in the car, I did not have the strength to open the file and read what it said as a I walked back to the car where Mohsin was waiting for me, once I read the report and my tears wouldn’t stop. Mohsin kept asking me what is it and I just gave the report to him. He read it and I could see the disappointment, a few tears and he said Allah behtar karega, Allah ki Marzi hai. We came home I was blank and could not move, I was losing my most prized possession and I could do nothing to change it. Everyone told me to go see a doctor and I just could not move and decided to stay at home.
I got a baby record book to list down everything about Baby M. The “You” in this family tree remains empty for now until Allah blesses us again. I decided to name my son Muhammad and my daughter Miraal hence I was calling the baby – Baby M. I filled out the family tree with so much excitement, please note the messy handwriting and ink marks. Never knew things would go so wrong, maybe I expected too much.
There is an ayat in Quran which translates to ‘They plan, and Allah Plans. surely Allah is the best of planners.’ (8:30) I am just holding on to this for now. Waiting for another miracle and the time He decides to ease things for us.
Allah says that he tests every person in a unique way, I don’t know why my test is always super hard. I know there are other people who have harder lives than I do but when I look down on my life I just wonder where did I get all this tolerance and patience? Maybe when Allah puts you in a trial he also gives you the strength to fight it out. This time round I feel my sabar has exhausted, this was the final blow to my patience. What hurts more is when people tell you that you did not take proper care, or you should lose weight. I just lost a baby I dont want to hear all this and start hating myself.
My fridge said Baby M which constantly reminded me of him, I removed the name because it would hurt seeing it all the time. Yet i saved this picture as a memory.
A day before my D&E I left a note for Mohsin it said
Thank you for taking care of mommy and me; you are the world’s best daddy. Please be strong and know that I loved you the most. Until we meet again, lots of love-
This was our last memory of Baby M, from here things progressed so fast that I could not even feel what was happening around until the next morning when I felt the first cramp. It started happening after I took the medicine that the doctor prescribed, I was on the floor and all I could see was gushes of blood. I spent the next 6 hours in terrible pain and realised what all mothers go through to bring a life to this earth. I think its the toughest part of motherhood and I absolutely salute all mothers.
This mug full of Stock aka Yakhni brings so many memories back too me. My friend Shahzeen has been such a great support through the most difficult periods of my life. From sitting and standing for hours outside the doctors office to coming to my place and making food for me. My mother and sister were travelling when I hand my D&E and I had the support of my husband and my close friends. I dont even know where I would have been without them, all of them were literally angels disguised as humans, from rubbing my back when I was in severe pain, for food, for support and for the care I will never be able to thank them enough or return the favour back in full.
There are so many women who go through this and I can only pray that no one sees such a day. Ameen